Melvin Burgess: Boys

It's becoming ever more apparent that there's a crisis going on with boys. You hear it all the time. Boys achieve ever-worsening education results. They are increasingly out of control both at home and at school. They seem to feel more and more angry with the society we are leaving them. We're obviously mistreating them, but no one seems to understand what's gone wrong or how to fix it. Every day there's a new demand for more Asbos, stiffer sentences, bans on hoodies. Is threat and attack the answer? There are proposals for random searches for drugs and knives in school, as we report in The Independent on Sunday today. Is that the best we can do for them?

Kids grow up. Today's boys are going to turn into men of one sort or another with or without our help. What are the qualities we'd like them to grow into? Most of us would be more at ease listing male shortcomings than virtues. We all know about the male lack of emotional intelligence, our inability to multi-task and so on. Even to talk about what's good about masculinity can sound like a typical male fault - too close to boasting, arrogance and competitiveness - which, as we all know, are typical male weaknesses. If we are so coy about what it is to be a man, how hard must it be to grow into one?

The failure of masculinity became apparent with the rise of feminism. It was a period when women were claiming qualities for themselves that weren't traditionally feminine, such as strength of mind and determination, but they were also concerned with the nature of the oppressor. Men, it was claimed, instinctively put women down. And they were right. Much of culture and language still assumes an inferior role for women.

But accepting this has left us with a damaged idea of our own gender. That's certainly not the fault of women. Coming from a position of oppression, it's understandable that they would want to criticise male attitudes, and only right that we should have taken it on board. The problem is, we've not moved on. It's left us feeling uncertain about ourselves. Sheepish, perhaps. There are so many things not to be, we've lost the habit of actually being anything concrete at all. It's one reason why our sons are suffering and confused, and it's no use looking to the missus for help. If we don't fix it ourselves, it won't get fixed. But where to begin?

For starters, education, education, education. Let's be honest - it's shit. Schools continue to relentlessly bear down on youth so that the teenage years - surely a time to enjoy - is used up preparing boys for their turn on the treadmill in a few years' time. Boys don't need more education, they need less. They don't need more control, they need more freedom. They need the chance to shine and shout. Boys don't jump through hoops, they bowl 'em along the road and set fire to them.

The pressure - I'd almost call it violence - of the educational system is not going to change in the near future, either. No political party is concerned with educational reform other than to get better results. If you send your sons to school, you will almost certainly make them stressed and miserable - and it will be all your fault. Your son in turn is likely to do the same thing to your grandson.

Most of us have to send our sons to school, but you'd have thought we could at least find ways of making them proud to be what they are, and to look forward to what they're going to become. But look around at the kind of men we show boys. Do you really want your son to turn into Bruce Willis? Or that other kind of success, Alan Sugar? I don't think so.

More commonly, men in the media are portrayed as oafs and buffoons. They bumble along and make it almost by accident, or perhaps by coming round to seeing that their wives were right all the time.

Women, on the other hand, are feisty. They may have problems, they may even be neurotic - but they get it sorted, for themselves, for their kids, for their men. When the men do try to sort things out, they either make a hash of it or come across as pompous and foolish. The man of the moment is Homer Simpson.

Well, chaps, is it true? Are you really unable to work out emotional problems without the aid of your wives? Are your personal habits a joke? Are you a clown of some sort, dissatisfied with your life but unable to change it? Do the women in your life simply tolerate you? Do they love you in the same kind of way they do their dogs?

If so, you need a new wife. But the answer in each case is almost certainly no. Men aren't fools. We play the clown well and our sense of humour is one of our strengths; but playing the fool is different altogether from being one. Is it any wonder our boys feel so undervalued and divorced from their own strengths when we portray ourselves as oafs and psychotics much of the time?

The view of men as dangerous or foolish is never more clear than when we are young. Boys are habitually thought of as stupid, clumsy, rude, slow to grow up, ugly and as likely to turn into perverts as good dads.

A few years ago I brought out a book called Doing It, a look at young male sexuality. It was, of course, a very rude book. The fuss that it caused was utterly predictable. The criticism seemed to be that rudeness does women down. The boys in it were not intended to be examples of saintly perfection, but just because they found sex funny doesn't make them sexist. In fact, they did not treat their girlfriends any worse than their girlfriends treated them, which is after all, the usual way of things in the real world. Doing It was just stating the obvious. Boys like sex and make jokes about it. Live with it! Leave them alone to enjoy it.

So what is it to be a man? What do you want your son to grow up into? For what it's worth, here's my list. Before I go on, I have to say that this isn't a competition. It's not about us having qualities women lack, and what follows is not a comment on women in any way. Neither is it a prescription; you'd obviously be pretty lucky to have all of them. But it's a starting point, the things I love in men and the things I'd like to see develop in my son.

I'll start off with kindness, generosity and gentleness. Good men are big-hearted; meanness is not masculine. Strength is a male quality, too, but a man who is not gentle is just a thug in my book. Kindness goes without saying. All the men I value are kind.

Next, playfulness. Men love fun. We're good at it and we have always defended our right to approach everything in life with a sense of humour. Men love to tease and to shock. Male study and learning is best done through play, something education so signally fails to allow. It's a spirit that makes men of any age young at heart. For me to admire a man, he would have to retain something of that childish spirit and playfulness in everything he does.

There is a competitive spirit in men. Again, this is a playful thing. There's no reason why it should be to the detriment of anyone else, and it certainly doesn't preclude helpfulness and cooperation, or include cruelty. It's a sense of life as a game, one you can play hard but then put down when you need to. Masculinity also includes an ability to be single-minded. We used to call this drive, but let's be honest - it's obsessiveness. But obsessiveness can be a positive thing. Not all the time, I'd hasten to add, but the ability of men to immerse themselves in something, although it's often made into a joke, is a real gift.

There's a vigour and boldness in male thinking and behaviour in general. We take risks. We love adventure, mental and physical. We like to surprise and be surprised. A lot has been made of male logic and reason in the past, but imagination is a much more male quality. We like to swallow things whole, to jump sideways, to find new perspectives. Male humour, male poetry and male understanding in general love novelty and movement in all its forms. And then there's friendship. As always, it's full of fun. It's about shared experiences, about companionship. There's an easy camaraderie, a willingness to drop in and out of each other's lives, and just pick up where you left off. It's full of games, jokes and competition, but its also intensely loyal.

I am in Kipling territorywithout embarrassment. Embarrassment about masculinity has become a characteristic. Is it surprising that our sons are rebelling about it? Because rebellion itself is a male quality. Thank God our boys are having none of all this nonsense: we should be encouraging and guiding that rebellion, not helping to crush it. We'd be fools to ourselves not to listen and to take it seriously. If he's unhappy at school, take him away from it, for God's sake. Really - I mean it. Education should not be the first concern.

Masculinity is a thing to be fond of and proud about. Youth should celebrate it. I remember the feminist movement had a slogan - Reclaim the Night. It was about it being safe for women to walk out at night. Well, here's one for men today. Reclaim the Day - if not for yourselves, then for your sons.

Melvin Burgess's latest novel is 'Sara's Face', price £9.99

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