Charles Nevin: Here's some advice - CCTV images online

Wilde, you will remember, said that much the best thing to do with advice was to pass it on. Mrs Christie, the crime writer, was of the view that "good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it". Mr Dodd, the comedian, you will also recall, once revealed that he had been appointed to a consultative role with the Government: "The Prime Minister told me when he wanted my advice, he would ask for it".

It cannot be long, surely, before Ken is asked once again to take his place within the big tent. I, meanwhile, have been mulling over, among other things, the inspired suggestion that David Cameron should offer the Prime Minister a place in the Shadow Cabinet. And, with the state of governance in its current anxious flux, attended by all manner of jostling and repositioning, I thought a few more disinterested and imaginative suggestions might be of some use (even if my plan to subcontract the whole thing to India has yet to find favour).

It does not take genius, after all, but rather dispassion and distance, to see a potentially rewarding connection (and one that would surely appease certain elements in the party) between the state of our youth today, Mr Cameron's big idea for reintroducing national service and this recent re-release of reports from 1840 showing that the workhouse wasn't as bad as all that.

Similarly, there is a clear opportunity presented by Sir Stephen Sedley's suggestion that it would be much fairer if everyone was on the DNA database. Yes, obviously, universal tagging, too, plus inside leg measurement, favourite food, voting record and GCSE grades; but what about making CCTV surveillance pictures available to everyone online? An army of eager watchers, and all off the streets, as well.

Another online innovation which I'm convinced would also prove very popular is suggested by the reaction to the pictures of Mr Richard Brunstrom, the Chief Constable of North Wales Police, demonstrating the efficacy of the Taser by allowing himself to be shot by one. This deserves a wider application: what a perfect way for, say, a Cabinet minister who has had a difficult few days to defuse things in a sporting way, or to show his authority by volunteering an underperforming public servant.

Citizens' Juries? An engaging idea, but, as with so much to do with the current administration, a bit dull and earnest, presentation-wise. The whole thing should be televised, with the policies and politicians being scrutinised by Bruno Toniolo and Len Goodman before a phone vote. Again, the proposal that all skilled workers should speak English goes only so far; why not while walking a tightrope at the same time?

There will also be voices urging Mr Cameron to take advantage of the much reported dissatisfaction with Mr Brown in the suburbs, alleged victims of New Labour fiscal discrimination in favour of the inner cities. My relief package would include privet hedge funds, mower tax breaks and on-the-spot fines for lazy stereotypes. Green policy? Fine, but what about signing up Mr Bob Crow to help promote bicycle usage?

Finally, we come to this month's party conference in Blackpool and one pressing issue which has been keeping the policy wonks and image advisers up late, particularly since other leaders employing the tactic enjoyed mixed results. My guidance is succinct: ignore the goose pimple problem, do a Putin, on the beach, budgie smugglers.

Even more heroes of the North

Now, then: this search by the Lowry centre for Britain's Greatest Northerner. In addition to the nominations already made, and in the interests of the warm inclusiveness which so typifies the region, here are a few people who might otherwise be overlooked: Rex Harrison, for example, was born in Huyton. Frankie Howerd was, of course, born in York. Mystic Meg is from Accrington. Butch Cassidy's dad was from Preston. Bill Haley's mum was from Ulverston. Christopher Biggins is from Oldham, as was Mick Jagger's dad. And, bang up to date: Ian Marsden, leader of the victorious tag team in the first ever World Gravy Wrestling Championships, held in Sainsbury's car park in Darwen on Saturday.

Some matters to ponder. Standing on your head is highly effective against back pain, according to research carried out at Newcastle University. Hollywood is making Beowulf, starring Angelina Jolie as Grendel's mother. Sir Derek Jacobi, a leading proponent of the theory that Shakespeare wasn't sufficiently well-connected to have written the plays, is the son of a Chingford tobbaconist. Simon Schama's favourite word is "garlic".

Sixteen per cent of British pet owners share their bed with their pet. Several thousand people appear to have signed an online petition calling for the McCanns to be investigated by social services. Jane Tomlinson used to receive poison pen letters accusing her of faking cancer.

Three men in California have been arrested after CCTV footage showed them burgling a CCTV company. An appeal court in New South Wales has held that the outcome of a trial was not affected by the judge falling asleep. Happiness classes can depress pupils, according to a Glaswegian psychologist.

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